this website still exists

whats good?

Hey guys.

I haven't been on NG much, been very busy at college (university for you Brits). Making some new friends, adjusting to life away from the home I lived in my whole life, etc etc. 

I've been doing much better I think. I've calmed a bit, reached a nice baseline of contentedness for now. I came back to NG because of the abundance of free time I had. I also have some friends here I do enjoy communicating with, and I think they deserve to hear from me every now and then.

I've been working on creative projects with an increased gusto, which is nice. I've had some experiences that released the stoppages and eased the flow of my creative thoughts, something I was looking for and needed for a long time. Perhaps I'll share them here on NG one day.

For those of you who read this blog, how are you guys doing? I haven't had much contact with all of my Chat friends recently (where is that new Chat at? Isn't there a jynx if I ask about it? Oops.) but if you happen to be one of those feel free to drop a comment.

That's all I can say for now, I suppose.

So my last post was all "things are going to get better" and that was great and all, but thus far they haven't happened.

In some regards things have gotten worse, and in some they've stayed the same despite my efforts to change them.

I guess that's all there really is.

And to top it all off things are getting even worse but I'm feeling better. Maybe I've finally left this orbit, to discover adventure and friendship elsewhere.

Recently everything has just been going on around me while I sit around in a perpetual fog. And by recently, I mean the past two months where it's been happening. I know why, and I didn't care. I figured, hey, why not enjoy it while I can? Not often the opportunity to experience all this stuff is just put out there for you, you know? So far, it was going so good. A little dip in emotional stability, and a dip in a lot of other things too. But life picked itself up.

I have a job now. And you'd think, 'He's probably got his life together, he's got all the pieces to make it good.' Well, yes. But it certainly doesn't feel too great, and there's absolutely no reason why. It's neither of the things that bring happiness in my life nor the things I do as a job. It's just me, I guess. As a person, something is up.

Last night I did a bunch of things that I think serve as a final wake up call to get out of the fog. I'm sick of not really knowing what's going on, or not caring. I'm sick of making stupid decisions that I'll only hate myself for greatly later. It's time to pick up the pieces, do some damage control, and see where I am heading. 

Some things I'll never be able to get over, and I guess the closest closure I can get is to just forget about them. Put them in the vault, far away, free from prying eyes or my own. Do I have the stomach for it? Given my current situation, it's all I really have left to do I guess. Just gotta suck it up and stick it through until the end.

So as I have started many times before, I guess I'm doing some sort of self betterment now. This time, though, I think it's going to actually click and have a lasting hold on who I am. And I mean that.

Hello friends.

I'm afraid to say that ever since the Chat dissappeared, I've been around on NG less and less. I still pop on by to check out stuff, but I feel that a part of NG I very much enjoyed is still sorely missed. Here's to hoping it may one day come back. Not that my presence here nor there really has any impact on anybody (myself included here), but everything is worth noting at least once, I suppose.

In my own life outside forum posts and internet dwelling, I have undergone some changes. For one, I graduated high school and now have my diploma. It's been noted that for the rest of my life, I never have to be anywhere legally. I could literally fall out of communication with anybody, and drift away into the sunset never to be seen. And if I did, nobody could stop me! That is almost as empowering as it is a tease.

In tandem with that realization, I grow even more aware of the barrier between me and others. I've been feeling stuck, understandably, for some time and only now realize why that is. I am the outsider, the strange, the unusual and the uncomfortable. And all this time, I thought I was merely the outcast, familiar but different. Instead, I am beyond that which can ever be comfortable or sustainable.

I don't know what to do with this knowledge, but it sure doesn't make me feel all that good. It is strange, that it would become apparent to me just as I am on the up and up. For once, things are actually shaping up in my life, and I've got some clear directive. And yet, all I can dream of is tearing it all down and reaching beyond the curtain. Prophetic.

I've been writing more, while simultaneously enduring a major loss of inspiration and drive. I will write in bursts, and otherwise I'll waste away doing nothing while I wait for each passing hour to end. All motivation has ceased save for those climactic episodes. I find myself wishing I was still asleep shortly after waking, and each day is dreary and gray. 

That's all I can think of right now. Moody and miserable, not worth reading really. I'll give a song to make it a little more bearable I suppose. I hope you guys can handle synthpop.

Hey guys. It's been a while since I made a newspost. It's really strange. I remember back when I was a young lad on NG making a newspost literally 4 or 5 times a day. Now I make a news post every few months. Not so strange, since I have gotten 7 years older. Just weird to think that 7 years have gone by. But then again it's not weird.

Anywho. School is winding down, and I'll be graduating in the beginning of June (June 3rd, mark your calendars), and then I will be off to college in the fall (University of Massachusetts Amherst, for those of you familiar with it). Am I excited? I guess. Not nearly as some other people are for going away to school. The way I see it, it's whatever, you know? Just the next step. It'll be fun I'm sure, but I'm not getting extremely giddy or anything.

Here's an odd phenomena I notice happening in my life. It'll be sunset or twilight of a sunny day, and I'll get this immense feeling of dread, of the end being nigh. Not necessarily the end of my life in a literal sense, but just the sense that I've spent all my time up, and now look it's all over and I've done nothing. I know it's not true, and there are points in my life I remember it happening and there was a hell of a lot of life directly after that. It's bad in the short term, and makes me feel really shitty. But in the end, I guess it's good because I can look back and see how crazy it is.

I just realized, I look way better in a long sleeved shirt than I do a regular short sleeve shirt. It's a shame, the warm season is coming up (which I love for every reason except this one, and insects), which means I'll return to short sleeve shirts. Maybe I just have to pick my wardrobe better. I'll have to keep that in mind.

That is all I can think of for now. 

Music time. I haven't done this before, but I'm going to put a few songs here for you to listen to if you wish. I hope that's alright. And i hope that this works. Maybe I'll add more later. Two is good for now.

Picture time. I know I know, this really is something of a newspost. Isn't it? I'm getting a bit excited adding all this stuff. Nobody will see it but me, but at least I'm making it look nice. I've seen this sculpture in person before. It's neat.

Well, at long last, 2014 is finally here. I'm glad it is, for one. I've always liked even numbered years better than odd numbered ones. Not sure why that is. 

I graduate from high school this year, and I'm quite happy about that. I also turn 18 on the 19th of this month. And in 2015, I'll turn 19 on the 19th of January. Hehe.

I don't know what else to put here. Oh, maybe I do. I'm getting a namechange hopefully. Or at least, I've asked an admin for a name change. I'll be changing my profile picture and stuff with it. I'll probably keep my sig, though.

Hello all.

Autumn is slowly drawing to a close (especially up here in Massachusetts where there is frost on the windows nearly every morning.), winter once more brings itself forth. Cold, snowy, raw, bitter, and dark.

I find winter to be very enjoyable up until the end, around February into early March. At that point, I can't tolerate the weather. It's normally disgusting, cloudy, rainy, and dirty in that time period. Blech. I'd say it's the worst transition between seasons.

Do you enjoy winter? If so, why? Are you a fan of the holidays? Thanksgiving is an autumn holiday, but it ties in the "Holiday" season with Hannukah (which starts on Thanksgiving this year IIRC) and Christmas. I am not a fan of Thanksgiving in the slightest, but I'm alright with Christmas. New Years, if you count that, is relatively uninteresting.

That's all.

August 13th, 2007, was the day I joined NG. I had been lurking and looking around prior to that, but my 6 year anniversary has since passed. I have spent the better part of 6 years on NG. That's crazy.

Since I came on NG, I've completed middle school and nearly completed high school, I hit puberty, I got my license, I lost my virginity, I've made countless new friends (both here and in real life), I've... done a lot, although I can't seem to think of it. I dunno, it just seems strange to me for that the better part of the last 6 years of my life, NG has been a part of my life as well.

Anywho, the world keeps turning.

EDIT: 26 years ago today Mayhem released their first full EP, Deathcrush. I included it for you to listen if you wanted to.